Living in modern society, and especially one as religiously influenced as the United States, I find that from time-to-time I run across small tidbits of random faith-based coincidence. For instance, say I am walking across the street, when a dove spontaneously comes to rest on my shoulder. Perhaps my wrists start bleeding as though I had been driven through with crucifixion nails. Are these occurrences truly coincidence, or a sign from God? At www.goingchurching.com, we are dedicated to investigating the random placement of religious symbols and circumstance in our daily lives. We call this analysis, “Is That You God?”

In today’s installment, I present a tale of “The Savior en Felacio.” Some of you may find it easier to relate to this tale by the name of “Get a Load of the Lord!”

As I was walking near my hometown hospital, I noticed this statue placed at the front of their building. Understanding that the hospital was using this piece as an homage to the healing power of our Lord and savior, I enjoyed the majesty of such an image. As I walked nearer the building, though, the placement of the process in which Jesus was promoting became more and more graphically erotic. Was this woman orally pleasing the Son of God? Was Jesus willingly and gratefully partaking in a moment of secular desire? The thought of this shook my spirit to the core. A million questions instantly darted through my mind. Was this a revelation about the true nature of the Lord? In a split second, scripture after scripture raced through my head, as I tried to remember one reference to Jesus condoning the “knowing” of one’s mouth. Nothing came to mind. But here it was, erect and deliberately placed in front of me. What was I to do with this image, this idea?

I tried to shake it off and continue my visit inside the hospital. I knew that if it was nothing more than a coincidence, God would protect my mind from the perversion of the character of his son. I made my hour long visit, and throughout the entire 60 minutes, not once did the image of our heavenly father being pleased in a manner usually reserved for foreplay, leave my thoughts. This had to be a sign from God. But what was I to take from it? What was it that God was trying to tell me? I decide to meditate in prayer. For the sake of full disclosure of my techniques and encounters, I now provide my discourse with the one true, almighty God, Jehovah.

Me: “BEEP” (That is the sound of me spiritually dialing 7 to get an outside line to Heaven. For those of you who don’t have the number handy, it’s 7-777-777-7777. Be prepared to hold for a while. A day is as a thousand years, is as a day, and all that.) After dialing the number, I waited on hold probably 20 minutes or so. Luckily, I tried to contact God on a Tuesday evening at 8:30, so he was pretty cleared up. The musak for the hold period was terrible. God really does like Kenny G, and well, that kind of makes me rethink my personal acceptance of Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior.

God: Thank you for calling the by and by, how may I help you today? Wait, don’t tell me. I’m Omnipotent you know. Let me see. You’re concerned about the Jesus-blowjob-statue aren’t you?

Me: Wow, that’s amazing! You’re absolutely correct!

God: What did you expect? I’m infallible.

Me: Indeed! In fact, I’m confused as to whether or not this statue has a meaning. Were you trying to convey some sort of message to me?

God: You know, I have always considered you one of my sharpest creations. You really have a knack for deciphering the spiritual value in something that might just seem like coincidence to the common folk. I really broke the mold when I made you.

Me: Oh stop, you’re making me blush. You know it’s funny. My mother used to say just the same thing when I was younger. Anyway, about the statue…

God: Oh yes, the statue. I think the message is pretty obvious. Jesus, my boy, is getting his first blowjob.

Me: Well, yeah, that is obvious. But wait! God, I don’t really mean to question you, because that would be a faux pas on my part, but wouldn’t oral sex outside of marriage be considered adultery?

God: Why would you think that? Perhaps you should take a look at the definition for adultery on the God-breathed http://wordnet.princeton.edu. You’ll find that I define adultery as “extramarital sex that willfully and maliciously interferes with marriage relations.” So you see, my son was never married, so he couldn’t have possibly been committing adultery. I think we also need to look at your usage of the term “sex.” I prefer the term “gratification.” Jesus had to live his entire human life, knowing that he was going to be brutally beaten, and then crucified, while burdening his mortal sole, by taking on every sin that has or ever will be committed on the Earth. Don’t you think he deserved a blowjob every now and then?

Me: Well, that definitely makes a lot of sense. So are you saying that it is perfectly okay to fulfill our desires for sexual “gratification?”

God: Absolutely! Just don’t get married. The minute you get married, I will be watching. The very second that you commit yourself to another person in my name, you can only have sex with that person, for the rest of your life. Get all of the stray blowjobs you want now, before you get hitched. If you try that kind of thing after you say, “I do,” I will send you straight to hell when you die. And trust me, all of the descriptions of hell that you’ve ever heard on Earth… they’re nothing like the real thing. You will be begging for Kenny G musak after you see how it really is down there.

Me: I see. Well God, thanks for taking the time to get this situation all *click*

Yeah, he hung up on me. No harm, no foul, though. There’s something you should know before starting a conversation with God. He’s omnipotent and omnipresent. He knows your past, present and future. The conversation that you are having with him, he has already had inside of his limitless knowledge. God is not experiencing your conversation in the same way that you are. Really, he’s just playing along, so that you won’t feel like a total dumb-ass for being trapped in a finite mental state. I’m really appreciative that he stuck around that long.

Anyway, I think we’ve all learned something here today. God is all about love.

Join us again, next time, for another installment of “Is That You God?” And remember, if you decide to have oral relations and you don’t trust the sexually transmitted disease healing power of the Almighty, use Dental Dams.

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Before we begin, please read this article. Did you catch all of that? Good. I would imagine that most of the people who are reading this already know that Pat Robertson is completely insane. For those of you who don’t already know this, let me assure you. Pat Robertson is completely insane. Completely… insane. If you would like to learn more about Patty and his wackiness, check out this collection of video clips. After watching a few of these, you should be thoroughly convinced. Thanks to mediamatters.org for collecting and archiving these wonderful bits, just in case this guy tries to run for president again.

So before anyone says, “ok goingchurching.com, I already read about this, like, all over the internet, OMFG,” I am not, in fact, criticizing the fact that he fancies himself a prophet. Nor am I reviewing any particular article itself. What I would like to criticize, are the elements present in Robertson’s “predictions,” that probably aren’t being discussed. Let’s use his most recent example, referenced in the beginning article.

“The first thing that I think is God’s word to his people, to the believers worldwide, not just here in America (is that) this year is going to be a year of extraordinary miracles. Extraordinary things are going to take place. It’s going to seem to the people like Heaven has come to Earth.”

For the average believer, there’s the bait. Imagine for a minute that you are a devotee of modern Protestant Christianity. You think that Jesus Christ died for your sins on the cross, rose again on the third day, left his holy spirit on the Earth to guide and be utilized by those who would do the works of a God who promises to all of his followers, every miracle performed by Jesus and then some. Guys like Benny Hinn seem like actual healing miracle-workers and those like Pat Robertson seem to be actual prophets of your Lord God.

What is the one thing that you want to hear at the turn of the year, as your thinking about your resolutions and promises that will make you a stronger and more faithful person? You want to hear that God is going to perform wonderful miracles on the Earth. Do you think Pat doesn’t understand this? He may be a charlatan, but he’s not an idiot. You never start with the bad news. Before anything, God is a wonderful God, who is to be praised with an element of awe at his majesty. This is appealing to the mind of the believer. You want to know that above all, your God is the most powerful and absolute presence in all of existence, and above all, he wants to make your life an overflowing well of blessing. Oh the joy to hear that THIS YEAR will be the year that will seem like “Heaven has come to Earth.” But wait for it….

“This is the final year of the great demonstration of his grace to the world.”

“Great anointing will come to an end.”

“Evil people are going to try to do evil things to us and others during the last part of this year.”

“There will be some very serious terrorists attacks. The evil people will come after this country. (There is) Definite certainty that chaos will rule.”

Oh! Sorry kids… there’s the switch. God is a god that can pour out great blessings upon the people of the Earth and work great miracles, but eventually, his patience and mercy comes to an end. You better enjoy it while it lasts, because when God is done handing out goodness, watch out! Don’t get sloppy. Don’t get lazy. You had better stay on your toes, because God isn’t done letting us blow ourselves up. Get the idea? This is one of the oldest tricks in the book, and I am dumbfounded that it still works as well as it does. “Here you go children. Here’s some candy. Do you like it? Good. That makes me happy, but don’t think that I won’t take it away. Don’t think that having candy is the way it should be. I have the power to eliminate your candy ownership at any time!” This example goes a little bit deeper though. This is a manipulation of belief through fear. Obviously terrorism is a touchy subject for many people globally. Many people live with the fear, especially in the United States post 9/11, that terrorism can strike at any moment. While this may be true, this is obviously no way to live your life. God is going to allow “evil” people to do the “evil” things that they do. Believers need to unite and pray to the Lord for his mercy and protection when the “evil” begins. Do you see the manipulation? Your God is capable of great miracles and is the only source of protection from the evil that lurks right around the corner. Let me use a few more quotes to emphasize my point.

“Politicians will have no solutions for it (the future evil terrorist attacks).”

“It’s going to happen. I hope that won’t happen and I hope people will pray and that won’t happen.”

“He doesn’t have to restrain people. They are evil people and they do evil things. They desire evil.”

See what I mean? Your leaders have no solutions for the evil that is approaching. The only power that is capable of protecting us from these horrible events is God. We all need to pray that the Lord might find favor and show mercy on his people.

If you are a part of the modern Christian movement, whether you are fundamentalist evangelical, moderate, liberal or whatever you call yourself, and you buy into the type of ideas that Pat Robertson is selling, I want you to know that you are being manipulated. You are having your emotions played with and you are being led into dangerous ideas that, if promoted long-term, will do irreparable damage to society. If you think I am trying to deceive you, then I encourage you to ask yourself a couple of questions. What good would it do for God to allow a prophet to tell the people of the world what dangers were come? Would there be a way to stop it? Is the future part of God’s plan, or is God’s plan ever changing, in that it can be influenced by the pleas of his followers? When you come to answers for these questions, think about them and their consequences for humanity and society. Now try and consider if it might be possible that Pat Robertson is only propagating a tactic of blessing / fear / blessing / fear brainwashing. Think about the things he says. Think about the things that all of these would-be “prophets” say. What is the benefit for an omnipotent God? What is the benefit for the followers of this God? I think you’ll find that your answers are lacking any real, fruitful meaning.

For those of you who are not part of this camp, I encourage you to spread the word about these types of manipulative controls to your friends who might be in the trap of Christianity. Immanuel Kant told us that enlightenment would not come through a revolution of conflict, but through aiding the progression of the overall state of freedom for rational thought and discourse of reason. People like Pat Robertson and his false ideologies stand in the way of a truly freethinking society. Until these ideas are exposed and debunked, humanity will stand stagnant in its own ignorance.

Here’s something directly to you Pat Robertson. Did you think you were going to get away without a tongue-lashing? Listen, and listen closely. Keep sitting high in your self-righteous tower, with your deluded fascinations about talking to God. Keep attempting to control the minds of the weak-willed. Keep lavishly spending the hard earned monies of the lower, working and middle classes, exploiting them through appealing to their need for a moral compass. You are truly being blessed by the Lord, God. But get it while you can. I foresee the end of your movement. Reason is on the rise. Communication is broad and enveloping the world at break-neck speeds. Critical thought is growing and it’s knocking at your door. Eventually, you will have to answer. Probably though, you’ll sit back and laugh, comfortably relaxed on the mounds of money that you have stolen from the people who will one day realize that supporting people like you, was the greatest mistake of their lives.

I’m going to give Pat Robertson’s 2007 prophecies 4 halos, because he made me invoke Immanuel Kant.

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