Praise be to the one who was and is and is to come! Blessed be the Lord, most high! Jose, Jose, Joooooose! There’s just something about that name!

Yes, my brothers and sisters! The time we awaited, in most eager anticipation, is upon us! Cast not your attention upon the things of this world, but gaze, my friends, into the heavenly of heavenlies! For it is him! Coming, yay, like a thief in the night to your nearest cult meeting place is Dr. Jose Luis de Jesus Miranda!

What’s that? Oh yeah, he was covered by CNN and about a million other places that you can start digging up by clicking here! Old news? Watered down Koresh, perhaps? Could be! I think you’re very sharp and intelligent indeed. Indulge me though, if you will. Please? Well shucks, too kind of you!

Let me give you a recap of the background information you probably just clicked to. Dr. de Jesus Miranda is the leader of a religious movement embracing the moniker, “The Government of God on Earth.” At first believing that he was an incarnation of the apostle Paul, Miranda now believes himself to be an incarnation of Jesus Christ! He claims much greater works than the previous widely accepted incarnation in Jesus of Nazareth, due to teaching “wisdom” instead of through parables. Raking in a whopping 1.4 million dollars last year, through donation in the United States, his ministry is growing. Now I would imagine you expect me to ask the big question. Is he Jesus? Does he think he’s better than Jesus? Who the hell cares? If we’re going to cover a person such as this, for a public interest piece, shouldn’t we ask better questions? For instance:

Dr. Jesus, if you claim that you are here to change the world, through a heavenly message of wisdom, why are you using a mixture of popular belief structures, changed slightly in shocking and controversial ways, with common motivational speech techniques, designed specifically to promote aroused and engaged stimulation of audiences?

Don’t you feel that you are really just perpetuating a scam that should be, by now, as washed up and laughable as telemarketing? If so, what is your justification for misleading people away from their pocketbooks?

Do you feel, Dr. Luis, that the common person is capable or incapable of stepping outside of your ideas in order to analyze them on a rational level? Would you encourage this?

If yes, do you believe that a person capable of undertaking this type of analysis would then benefit from falling back in line with your ideals, or should they continue to exist in the practice of rational analysis for all religious concepts?

If no, what type of paradigm are you attempting to create by not promoting critical analysis of religious ideas?

Is anybody capable of asking these types of questions, especially to crazy, whack-jobs claiming to be an incarnation of Jesus Christ? I swear, if mainstream media would take their heads out of their asses, we might actually get to discuss something in the public forum. Major media outlets, I’m watching you. Now go to your room, I want to talk to your sister. Overwhelming Christian-based commonplace religious mindset, get over here. Stop crying.

All of you evangelicals, televangelicals and Christian fundamentalists need to click here, and take a look in the mirror. This is your beast (and I don’t mean 666). Benny Hinn, Rod Parsley, John Hagee, T.D. Jakes, Dr. Dino, Ted Haggard, Joel Osteen, I’m looking at you guys, just to call a few of you out. You are the movers, who oil the assembly line of this type of crazy-religious, manipulative, money train product. Because of the ideas that all of you promote, you have encouraged an accepted state, where anyone with an “intriguing” (read crazy) interpretation of ancient religious texts can throw on a suit, get behind a microphone, and start stealing money from the under-developed, under-encouraged minds of the gullible masses. Shame on you, all of you.

Oh no! Commonplace, under-developed, under-encouraged gullible mass, you’re not getting off that easy, either! You continue to allow yourself to be taken in by these charlatans. What is it exactly that you are looking for? Is it really necessary that you live for fucking forever? Is it so important that you find the key to some sort of infinite existence? Are you really all so shallow to think that the common forces of circumstance that play out in your life, creating what you perceive to be states of peace and discord, are beyond your critical observance and deliberation, effectively out of your control? Do you really need a greater force to sweep in and free you from the burden of thinking about what might actually cause the powers-that-be to operate? If so, then march on slave mentality. March on into the hands of the many, many more incarnations of “heaven for Rolex exchangers” that are sure to come along. In fact, here…

Thanks, leave a buck in the hat.

Now all of you. You’re grounded for a week. No! No Wii. Keep pushing me and it will be two weeks!Dr. Jose Luis de Jesus Miranda, I’m giving you, and that crazy-ass mind of yours 2 halos. Why 2? Two seems to be equivalent to the number of big balls you’ve got to be swinging around, to stand up in front of people and declare that you are better than Jesus! Well done.

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Have you ever said to yourself, “why isn’t there good scientific evidence for god-breathed creation?” Join the club. This is probably the one question that drove me away the hardest from religion and Christianity especially. But now, friends, I may need to withdraw my atheistic paradigm. I believe now, that I was too quick to discount the existence of God and creation. Indeed, I jumped the proverbial gun. What is it that has staggered me in my daily walk of godlessness and reason? Samuel J. Hunt’s “Episteme Scientia.”

The “proof” as a whole, is currently $9.95, through Sam’s website (it only takes him 84 pages!?!). The basic premise of Hunt’s theory, is that the Genesis account of God Speaking existence into being, is factual and is being proven in the world of science through experiments such as sonoluminescence, a process of releasing photons (creating light) by sending sonic signals through liquid. A free, rough draft of Samuel’s “scientific” paper is found here. I’ll give you a couple of minutes to go look this thing over and have your mind blown. … … … … Done? Yeah, I’ll meet you all in church on Sunday.

Wait! I think something is happening! Wow, readers of goingchurching.com, you will not believe this. At this very moment, I am getting a word from THE lord our God. I knew that keeping a Ouija board with me at all times while writing for this website would pay off one day. Bare with me everyone, I am putting the letters together as He spells out His message. I am posting His words in red here, as is His custom.

Thus sayeth the Lord, thy God: Sound comprises longitudinal waves, alternating regions of compression and rarefaction. The existence of sound presupposes matter, which can be compressed or rarefied. There is no sound in a vacuum or “void.”

Thus sayeth the Lord, thy God as well or too: If I were to speak unto the waters of the deep at a sonic range that would produce light, waves, energy and eventually existence, there would have to be water there in the first place. This would predate the very creation itself, so how can this be a creating force, when the water in which I shot my sonic voice through couldn’t have existed before the creation of itself?

Thus sayeth the Lord, thy God in conclusion: Samuel J. Hunt, you are an ass-hat and I would burn you in hell forever if it or I really existed. Wait, did I just say I don’t exist?

And that’s when the Ouija planchette stopped moving. Before God spoke himself into non-existence, I think he made some good points. Also, I think this means that we are all now, officially atheists. God just did away with himself in a style reminiscent of Mr. Mxyzptlk saying his name backward. Just in case any of you skeptics out there don’t believe me about the God / Ouija thing, I taped it. I now submit the proof of the undoing of God. Roll film:

Well, there you have it. Video proof that even if God did exist at one time, he no longer does. Live by the ability to speak things in and out of existence, die by the ability to speak things in and out of existence. I guess next time he’ll use that omnipotent infinite knowledge of his to think before he speaks. I’m going to give Samuel J. Hunt’s “Episteme Scientia” 5 halos for a few reasons. 1) Everyone loves a good piece of pseudo-science for cocktail parties. 2) He’s sold over 15,000 copies, which means there are a few thousand idiot fundamentalists that just added a bunch of dummy-fuel to their fire, potentially giving me way more material to cover in the future. 3) God got so mad at Sam’s lame attempt at proof, that he eliminated himself.

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