Imagine yourself in the not-to-distant future. The war between good and evil is reaching its final hour. An admirable world leader has stepped up to unite the masses under a new-world order of unified government. This seemingly perfect system brings newfound peace to the world. Everyone is basking in the camaraderie of the human spirit and is more than willing to accept the freshly instituted system of trade. All you have to do is take a simple mark on your forehead and you can buy and sell goods as you choose! Double-plus good!
But wait…
You remember something from your childhood. What was that story??? It had something to do with the devil and God, and seven trumpets. Or was it seven seals? Damn it! What was that story… oh… crap!
Sonofabitch, you just took the mark of the beast!
Yeah, I know. You’re kicking yourself right? Well, you shouldn’t take this very lightly. You have now just doomed yourself to an eternity of hellfire and suffering. You know deep down in your heart you didn’t just want to conform to the new bureaucratic system that would allow you to actually spend your paycheck on things like spam and toilet paper. You did this because you hated God and wanted to usurp his power and take his throne once and for all, for the dark lord Satan! Wait, you mean you really did just want to be able to spend your paycheck on spam and toilet paper? But you took the mark of the beast! You’re doomed to infinite suffering for your finite crime. Unfair?!? Are you questioning the almighty power of our Lord? Ok. Ok. There has to be something we can do. Let me think……
I’ve got it! Remember the time you got that Ted Nugent tattoo on your bicep, that you thought was the absolute coolest? And remember how you stopped snorting coke after the 80’s and realized you were a mindless idiot, and then went and got “Nugent-4-Life” changed into a barbed-wire wrap? Ok. Same principle applies. We’ll just cover up this blasphemous mark and when you face your judgement day, you can tell God that you didn’t actually take the mark of the beast. Let’s look at a few options:
The Caterpillar
So, imagine your life has ended and you have been shaken from your mortal coil. One way or another, whether you witnessed it or not, you are dead and headed to your eternal judgement. Obviously your spiritual-self maintains all markings of the human, finite, mortal flesh. No way you’re drinking living water with 670-4 on your head… well if you can call an ethereal replica of the physical form of your head, your head. Who wants to quibble really?
Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah… final judgement, six-hundred-sixty-six on the dome. Look, change it to a caterpillar before you die. Saint Peter, I know is a sucker for a cute little caterpillar. It’s the smile that gets him every time. Let’s just say he’s tickled so much, that he closes the book and doesn’t even review your sins. You’re in chief! Go walk them streets of gold and touch Jesus’ wounds all day, you got holy legs now!
The Birthday Cake! Happy 666th!
What’s that God? You’ve witnessed a multitude of deceitful, fallen, heretics come to your gates with the devil’s logo on their foreheads? Get outta here! Look God, this is totally not that! Me? Really? Ok, look. Call me naïve, but I’ve just always imagined living to be 666 years old. I know, that does sound ridiculous, but call me a fool! I had a dream!
Indeed, “the mark,” can be pleasantly accented within the confines of your own 666th birthday cake tattoo! When you explain your plight to those here on earth, that just don’t understand the consequences of their actions, you may be ridiculed for this being an outlandish attempt at fooling an omnipotent, infinite and infinitely creative mind. All you need to do is recite a version of the above story, and your argument will be air tight. Case closed!
Happy Birthday to You! Have fun spending eternity at the feet of your lord .
A Steamy Cup of Joe…sniff. Mmm!
Let’s face it. The Rapture, Armageddon, Tribulation and Glorious Restoration are going to occur in our lifetime! They have to! All of the signs are there brothers and sisters! All of these brown people fighting brown people, making the multi-colored people go all fucking crazy because they’re scared of bombs, planes, automobiles, preservatives, high-fructose corn syrup, gas prices, and in-general, their absurdly self-inflating bubble bursting, etc! Yes, it is right over the horizon. Now we all know that none of us have been living holy lives. We’ve robbed, cheated, lied, wanted to have sex, period, listened to Beatles records backwards. Let’s just own up to it! We deserve death! Just listen to a couple of minutes of Ray Comfort on the subject. I don’t think any one of us is going to be raptured as God’s Holy Elect. Sorry.
But I think I have found a way around the post-rapture tribulation! Are you ready for this? We take the mark of the beast, whenever it is new and becomes pretty much the only way to buy or sell goods. You know, the first 7 years after the introduction of the Anti-Christ is going to be a time of peace on earth. So just get the mark during peace time, and eat up! Get stockpiles of food and water and get some weapons and we’ll prepare a bunker for the Armageddon and tribulation to come. Once we see the first boil pop up, on the first one of us, we’ll all use a ballpoint pen and “jailhouse tatt” us a coffee cup directly underneath the numbers 666 on our foreheads! Then, when the angels of pestilence, reign down their plagues upon the followers of the beast, it will overlook us and understand that we are the generation that introduced a Starbucks on every last, goddamned city corner on the planet. A little physical idolatry, here and there, was to be expected.
SIKE!
Why did I save this one for last? Simple! It’s going to be the most successful! For those of you who may not remember the usage, “sike” is a universal nullifier. For example, “Dude, your mom is hot! Sike!” Or, “Hey kids, if you’re really, really good all year, you’re going to be rewarded with every gift your mind can imagine! Sike!”
Plus, every time someone follows a statement with sike, people are going to laugh. You could say, “On September 11, 2001, terrorists hijacked commercial airliners and flew them into the World Trade Center Twin Towers in New York, killing 3000 civilians. Sike!” Ok, 9 out of 10 times, when someone follows a statement with sike, people are going to laugh. Your odds are good that God is going to see this as a clever jab at all of the putrid evil-doing mark-takers, and probably knock you up a couple of ranks in the heavenly hierarchy for showing gusto. The “Sike!” strategy, as I like to call it, is a complete fake out. It takes what God thought he knew and reverses it on him. When you say sike, your intention is the reverse of the statement you just made, so God can’t hold you accountable for anything. Yep, smooth clean into heaven on this one!
So there you have it kids, 4 foolproof ways to skim into heaven, even if you commit the greatest of sins! And you thought you were going to have to give up sinning!?! MAKE IT SO!
I’m going to give the mark of the beast, itself, 
5 halos. Your mark controls the economy of the world and dooms all takers’ souls to eternal damnation? What are you a fucking god or something?
