December 2007
Monthly Archive
Fri 28 Dec 2007
Anytime a church needs to bring in the dough, you can expect a lecture on tithe/offerings in relation to gods blessings. During my time as a Christian, I can’t tell you the number of lengthy sermons I sat through urging me and my fellow faithful followers to embrace the full amount of God’s blessings by giving “His” portion of our earnings back to the church.
ABC news recently detailed the story of one woman and her expectations of blessing after being misled by numerous prominent prosperity preachers.
Senator Charles Grassley and the Senate Finance Committee are in the process of analyzing the income of 6 major ministries that thrive on prosperity messages, but I don’t believe this to be sufficient. Whether being knowingly deceitful, or blissfully ignorant, prosperity ministries are stripping their followers of their resources on fraudulent grounds. Asking for donations from your church members for provided ministerial services is one thing. Coercing people out of their hard earned money with promises of potential blessing is another. Let’s look at this rationally.
- Based on the claims of modern Christianity, God is an all-powerful, omnipotent, infinite being that resides in the realm and the actions of the supernatural. God has all authority over the realm of the physical and can manipulate any and all physical forces and processes. We will accept this as true, for the sake of argument.
- Mankind and even those who are “able to communicate” with this god are not part of this supernatural realm, nor are they able to manipulate it or decipher the true nature of the supernatural.
- Promising the potential outcome of an effect of the supernatural on the physical (blessing on to mankind) by a limited being, such as man, is fraudulent and misleading, in that our limited state as physical beings gives no rule of manipulation, coercion, or prediction into the realm or the nature of the supernatural. Being omnipotent and all-powerful, only God would be able to promise the actions and potential actions of all beings not possessing omnipotence or absolute power, not the other way around.
- Simply put, if an infinite, omnipotent God does exist, it exists beyond the realm and understanding of humanity by definition. For any man to promise even the potential of an action from a source unknown to him is a lie.
With this established, I think it’s time that the people start holding their churches and leaders accountable for the messages that are being delivered. There is no excuse for being the perpetrator or the victim of a lie that can have obvious harmful effects for both parties. It is time that this lie comes full circle. It is time to stop funding any and all ministries that spread these perverse ideas. Christians, you are being lied to and your money is being stolen from you. You should be upset.
Lies become ineffective when they are no longer believed.
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Fri 28 Dec 2007
Ran across this story. Check it out.
No joke: Clowns spread the Gospel
Talking points:
1) There is too much pedophilia running around these daysto think that old clown preachers interacting with kids is a good idea.
2) Clowns aren’t funny and have never been funny. They’re strange and sometimes a little bit scary.
3) What? You mean a guy being hung on a cross after being severely tortured, all to save humanity from eternal damnation in hellfire (that he or his dad created, based on your denominational leanings) is a topic that needs to be spruced up a bit so that children won’t think you’re completely insane? Well, sorry 61 year old guy, dressing up like a scary old clown isn’t going to help that image whatsoever.
4) KoKoMo is a suitably “not funny” name for something as “not funny” as clowning.
5) Rev. Tom Rives has been dressing up like a weird clown for 35 years, and you know what his legacy is going to consist of? “Hey do you remember that scary old clown that wasn’t even remotely funny and tried to get us saved that time? He was really old and creepy!”
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Thu 27 Dec 2007
The Holy Bible, once thought to be used only for supporting unleveled table legs and/or as the occasional highball coaster, is finding fresh utility within the drug smuggling vocation!
Here is a link to the low-down, man!
“Bibles used to smuggle drugs into Canada” - http://sify.com/news/fullstory.php?id=14580456
Sadly, this reminds me of a “church camp” experience I had as a youth. I’m walking from my camp dorm to the evening temple service and one of the older kids from another dorm is standing with one of my friends at the side of the building. They motion me over and when I get there, burning with the flame of eternal hellfire, is a fat, glistening, temptress of a joint. The U.S. is totally the seedy, trench coat wearing, drug dealer at Canada’s spiritual retreat! (thanks Jess)
Whoa, whoa! Wait a minute! Something just came to me! Ok… watch this video.
Now, let’s think about this logically.
1) Drug trafficking and profits actively support terrorism.
2) The Bible was used for the purposes of trafficking drugs.
3) The Bible is a tool of terrorism!
OK, ok…. holy shit! There has to be a way to stop this from happening again! Wait, I’ve got it! The bible should be no longer produced in hard copy form. We have to immediately stop the production of paper bibles and solely use digital forms of Christian religious texts immediately! Great! But wait, what about all of the millions of hard copy bibles that are already in use?
I call for immediate mass bible burnings in all towns and cities worldwide!
END THE SUPPORT OF TERRORISM!!!
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Fri 14 Dec 2007
Imagine you’re a 14-18 year old in the United States. Engaged in the swirling vortex of high school peer politics, part of a generation that has embraced war for nearly 4 years (declared war that is), unsure about what the future holds, experimenting with your own ideas about the world and your place in it, you might feel a bit confused, or at least insecure about the very nature of reality itself.
Why, if I were a Christian, this would be the perfect time to tell you about the life changing answers that are held inside of the knowledge of Christ as a salvation from sin and the harmful effects produced from a world of sin. I could tell you that your confusion is really your soul, crying out for some type of truth, that has yet to be answered. Your inner struggle can be relieved by simply putting your trust in the son of the almighty creator of the universe! There is no need to contemplate the intricacies of society, politics, morality, justice or even truth. God, as an almighty, omnipotent father, has given us the cure to all of our transgressions, through the life changing blood of his son, Jesus, on the cross. You can be whole. You can have meaning. Your life can be real!
Your brain can be washed.
Currently, the “UNREAL” Gospel campaign (partnered with 888-NeedHIM) has produced a series of television commercials targeted towards teens that will air on various media outlets, including MTV and YouTube. These commercials, centered around each of the ten commandments, focus on that “something” teens are searching for that will make them feel complete and secure. The middle of each commercial includes a narrator, with the following to say:
“Do you feel unreal?”
“When you ignore god, it disconnects you from reality.”
“That disconnect leads to sin and sin puts a wall between you and god.”
“If you die with that wall there, it’s there forever.”
“But Jesus has made a way back to reality.”
“Let us help you discover it.”
Allow me to translate:
“Do you feel like a teenager that is facing uncertainty about your place in the world and the decisions you are going to have to make about your life?”
“Your uncertainty is because you are a sinner and you need god.”
“Because you’re a sinner, our perfect god can’t help you, but it’s your fault.”
“If you die without accepting god, your uncertainty about this petty little thing you call life will pale in comparison to the horrible existence you will face for all of eternity as you burn in hell. Aren’t you afraid? You should be really afraid of burning in hell! Add an ass-load of fear to your already uncertain state and tremble at the revelation of how big and glorious, and worthy of awe our god is, wahahahahahahaha!”
“But wait, now that we’ve caused you more uncertainty and added fear into the mix, take a step back. We have an answer for you. You don’t have to be uncertain or afraid, although we have just helped to dig you a little deeper into those states. We believe in a man that was the son of god, who was tortured horribly and crucified until death. But wait, do you know why he died? He died so that you wouldn’t have to be a sinner! Isn’t that great?!?”
“What’s that?”
“Why are you to blame for the presence of sin, to the extent of potentially burning in hell for eternity, when a supposedly omnipotent, almighty, omniscient god created the universe and formed mankind with the ability to sin, knew that man would sin, takes offense to and punishes man for their sin and still created everything the way that Christianity believes it is?”
“Stop being a rebellious teenager, you little shit!”
“DRINK OUR KOOLAID!!!! DRINK ITTTTT!!!!!!”
Playing on the fears and weaknesses of teenagers, as a witnessing opportunity, is one of the things about Christianity that makes me the most nauseated. As a teen, I was part of the Christian faith, and I played an active role in trying to witness to my friends. Not once did I ever feel that I needed to play on our mutual uncertainty about the future, or our need to try and fit in to the world around us, in order to share my faith. Do you know why? Because this type of thing is morally perverse! Anyone who supports this type of “advertisement” should be ashamed of themselves. Coercion through fear…. fucking infuriating!
Here is a link to this garbage
(the rest of the videos are in the column to the right):
http://youtube.com/watch?v=oMtMYMKFJhg
The asshats over at the “UNREAL” Gospel Campaign are going to get 
5 halos for creating poorly animated propaganda for what will later become slave morality, because that really pisses GoingChurching off! GoingChurching SMASH “UNREAL” Gospel Campaign!!!
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Thu 6 Dec 2007
Ha,ha,ha,ha,ha,ha,ha!
Religion News Service has issued a press release for Dale Beaver’s new book “Before the Thunder Rolls - Devotions for Nascar Fans.” The first part is my favorite bit from the release:
“The heroes, events and atmosphere of the hugely popular world of professional auto racing are revealed in an enlightening spiritual perspective—Before the Thunder Rolls: Devotions for NASCAR Fans, newly released by Judson Press.”
“Heroes?” I’m not sure that driving around circular tracks really fast in cars built by major corporate endorsement entitles someone to be called a hero. Anyway, that is beside the point.
I wanted to point out a couple of interesting things I found while looking this book up on the interweb.
1) Amazon.com - 5 star rating / 2 ratings posted
Customers who bought this item also bought Pirates of the Caribbean - At World’s End. I have no idea what Christian race car driving and Johnny Depp swashbuckling across the open seas have to do with each other, but hell, you might as well.
2) This is going to be sophomoric, but when I googled the book’s title, I got the following.
I know, I know, but it just sounds silly.
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Mon 3 Dec 2007
Cell phones are amazing! We all know this. But what you may not know is that the technology behind wireless cellular communication is pretty close to being just as stupefying as the supernatural ability to “speak” entire universes into existence.
I can’t tell you how many times that I, personally, have sat in a church pew, contemplating the true nature of the existence of the supernatural realm. With my hands folded in my lap, I would ponder, over and over again, the mind-blowing forces that would have to come into play for something beyond our physical dimension to control and manipulate the physical world, bending the laws of physics, chemistry, biology and mathematics, in order to turn water into wine, or a woman into a pillar of salt. All I really had to do was move one hand a little further down, into my pocket and…… take out my cell phone (don’t think naughty thoughts, sinner).
In her recent article, “How to Share Your Faith Using Cell Phone Technology,” Jane Dratz (writer and editorial coordinator for dare2share ministries) explains that the “special airwaves” carrying cellphone signals can be related, somewhat, to the “spiritual dimension” that surrounds all of us. You may remember Jane from other hot articles such as:
“How to Share Your Faith Using Halo 3“ - Jane compares Halo’s Master Chief John 117 with Jesus, asking her readers what role they are being called to play in the battle for their friends souls.
“How to Share Your Faith Using the Crocodile Hunter“ - Really, this should be titled “How to Share Your Faith Using the Death of the Crocodile Hunter,” because Ms. Dratz shows us how to capitalize (for Christianity) on the untimely undoing of Steve Irwin, by discussing with our friends the uncertainty of life and their place in eternity.
“How to Share Your Faith Using the Simpson’s Movie“ - Yeah, the Simpson’s Movie! Just read the article!
Reading through Jane’s multitude of “How to Share Your Faith…” articles, I’m reminded of those Christian t-shirts that are modeled after popular, “secular” logos and slogans. Here are a few examples:
Yeah, they make me cringe too. The point here is that these types of “witnessing” tools and ideas are not fresh, hip and interesting. They are cheap, rip-offs, that do nothing to actually promote Christianity. Obviously, it has been a very long time since Jane has been a teenager, and I question whether or not she truly experienced public schooling. The first time that I was over at a friend’s house, blasting aliens on Halo, and they came out with something like, “Hey man, you know, killing shit on Halo reminds me of how great my salvation in Christ is,” I would have stood up, put the controller down and got the hell out of there. Then I would have told all of my other friends how much of a religious zealot this douche was. And no, not because I am an asshole, but because that’s exactly what happens when you’re a teenager.
No one wants to feel uncomfortable, especially in the junior high to high school age range, and when someone approaches you to tell you that it’s a bummer the Crocodile Hunter is dead, but that you could go and see him in heaven one day if you accept Christ, it puts you in a very uncomfortable position. Not because you are a sinner whose soul ultimately knows that it is being faced with it’s eternal fate, but because it’s a completely irrational and absurd train of thought that makes you feel bad for the kid who is presenting the idea. And why do you feel bad for this kid? Well, this kid is part of the “see you at the pole, let’s wait until we’re married to have sex, I don’t think our science teacher should teach evolution, I can’t go to a party where there is alcohol, masturbating to my mom’s Sears catalog bra section, wanna go to youth group with me on Wednesday,” crowd. They are completely out of touch with the reality that no 13-18 year old is ready to decide their eternal destiny, or if an eternal destiny is even a plausible concept. Things like this turn faith, religion and Christianity, especially, into a joke.
Allow me to give Jane and any young person that may be influenced by her tactics a bit of advice. Stop trying to approach the spreading of religious ideologies as you would a capitalistic venture. You shouldn’t have to sell the truth. You shouldn’t have to “jazz up” your savior. If your religion is true and meaningful, then the ideas you embrace should be able to stand on their own, without commercial hype. I mean, I don’t see a lot of Buddhists walking around with “Enlightenment is Bitchin’ ” emblazoned across their chests, but there are approximately six million of them in the U.S alone. Jane’s tactic doesn’t work and will severely hinder your teenage social identity. Trust me.
I’m going to give Jane and her “How to Spread Your Faith” series 
3 halos, because it’s going to be really hard to use something like the Simpson’s as a witnessing tool, being that it is created by an Agnostic and blatantly makes fun of Christianity every Sunday evening.
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